Dessert Stress
by nony0mous
Summary: Voldemort wants cheesecake, so why can't he have it? Can he stop himself from taking away all of the delicious food on the planet? Probably not. But that is the choice that a Dark Lord must make.


**What if you were given a choice between cheesecake and the rights to Harry Potter?**

**I have just been given this choice.**

**You see, though I do not own Harry Potter, I have gone to great lengths to acquire them.**

**And now I can finally have them. And for what? The price is no more cheesecake.**

**Forever.**

**Scary, right?**

**I must decide.**

**Cheesecake.**

**Harry Potter.**

**Cheesecake.**

**Harry Potter.**

**Cheesecake.**

**Harry Potter.**

**WHAT TO CHOOSE?**

**Hmm.**

**I will have other chances to get these rights, right?**

**No?**

**I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.**

**Cheesecake, I choose you!**

Voldemort was in agony.

Just because you are evil doesn't stop you from eating delicious food. Voldemort loves chocolate; he just won't admit it. No, evil doesn't stop you from eating.

Having no nostrils, on the other hand, can.

You see, without nostrils, Voldemort has almost no sense of smell. And taste relies on smell; if you can't smell, then you can't taste. And if you can't taste, then you can't eat cheesecake.

Cheesecake. What can you say about it? It's delicious. It's made out of cheese. These factors can create such a wonderful entity that I wouldn't blame your mouth for growing legs and running away to marry the cheesecake. But with Voldemort, it wasn't his mouth that ran away; it was his nose.

You see, Harry may not remember it, but Voldemort was noseless even before he attempted to murder Harry's complete family so he could stop a small boy from supposedly bringing about Voldemort's downfall. Sometimes I wonder, had Voldemort not attacked Harry, if maybe Voldemort would have lived forever. This just goes to show why you do not dress up as an evil wizard on Halloween and try to kill little baby boys. It's just wrong.

Now, the Death Eaters were having a party to celebrate the Dark Lord's rebirth. It had every type of food there... it had chocolate that would break your teeth, cotton candy that melted in your mouth before you could even bite it, and marshmallows that stuck to your plate, no matter how long you hung it upside-down.

And of course, there was cheesecake.

"Would you like some cheesecake?" asked Lucius politely. "Narcissa made it herself, just for you." This was a lie; house-elves made it, and Narcissa couldn't care less about any Riddle coming back to life, Tom or not.

Voldemort looked longily at the cheesecake. Oh, how creamy it was. If only everyone in the world could have it!

"Everyone!" Bellatrix announced. "I have placed a charm on the cake! Now it will never end! Everyone in the world can have the cheesecake now!"

Voldemort was starting to become angry. He was always angry, but this was super-angry for him.

"Tom Riddle! How great to see you!" Dumbledore came onto the scene, also holding a plate full of cake. Well, this was dark chocolate cake, but that's a whole different story. "Narcissa outdid herself with this cake - you should try a piece, it really tastes scrumptious!"

_Don't lose it, Voldy, _thought Voldemort. _It'll be over soon. Then you'll make a new rule that says that anyone who eats cheesecake must die._

But nobody was dying. The animal inside Voldemort came out, and suddenly he was a llama - but that's also a completely different story.

The Dark Lord screamed, "Accio cheesecake!" All of the cheesecakes in the room went soaring into his mouth, but he chewed right through. There was Godiva cheesecake and cherry cheesecake and brownie cheesecake and hot fudge sundae cheesecake. He ate it all!

The Death Eaters - and Dumbledore - looked at You-Know-Who in shock.

"No, my Lord! You shouldn't have eaten all of those cheesecakes!" screamed Bellatrix.

"Why?" Voldemort said through a mouthful of raspberry cheesecake.

Someone jammed a scale under Voldemort. It took a brief moment to calculate, then asked, "Why are you giving me your phone number?"

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Voldemort, cheesecake equals calories. You should have known that there is such thing as too much of an evil thing."


End file.
